In Izaya's Pants
by TwWereWolf
Summary: He didn't know what was worse. That Shizuo was trying to vending rape him, that Dante's pizza was in the Vergil abyss or that there was angsty piano music. CRACK.


**THIS IS CRACK! It is also my 30th fic and my first crossover fic~! All of it was inspired my texting back and forth with my PWNsome friend, Katie. I was listening to "Jizz in my Pants" while writing this, just in case you wanted to know.:| (Hence the title) BTW I'm also a tad high off of pain pills~!**

**WARNING: Mentions of rape, cussing and crack.**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING!**

**NOTES:**

**Yes, alot of Shizuo rapist thoughts **_are like this_**. It means he's saying it really quickly.**

**The animes/mangas that were used in this crackfic:**

**Durarara (Shizuo and Izaya)**  
**Devil May Cry (Dante and Vergel)**  
**Togainu no Chi (Keisuke and Akira)**  
**Hetalia (Austia)**

* * *

Izaya was roaming the streets of Ikebukuro, when he spotted his favorite bodyguard ahead of him.

"Ah, Shizu-Chan! How are you today~?"

But instead of the blond erupting into a ball of fire and rage as soon as he heard the "Flea's" voice, he just stayed silent as he turned, reveling the rather creepy smile upon his face. Muted air warped over them.

"Shizu-Chan...?"

"_Im going to rape you with ootoro in your sleep fucking louse_."

Silence. Izaya stared at the blond with a dumbfounded expression. After realizing just what the _**hell **_the monster of Ikebukuro had said Izaya hid behind the closest thing, which...who happened to be a tall silver haired man.

"WHAT THE CARP DID I DO?"

The ex-bartender simply grinned and nearly sang, "Nothing~!"

There was a long pause before he continued. "_Its not rape if you like it and I promise you will_." Shizuo then proceeded to laugh like a rapist.

Turning around to the red clad man, Izaya yelled.

"DANTE, PROTECT ME!"

How he knew the demon slayer's name was a mystery to them, but then again, it _was _Izaya. However, the son of Sparda didn't comply with the request and continued to eat the large pizza he had seemingly whipped out of nowhere.

"NOMOMOMOMOMBSDABSPBIDZBZX~!"

After that random spurt of Dantenese, Shizuo decided to act. Picking up his "pimp" vending machine, he shouted.

"PREPARED TO BE VENDING-RAPED, FLEA!...and, Dante, you just keep eating your pizza."

The brunette looked horrified, while the half demon next to him continued to eat his disc shaped cuisine, only stopping for a moment to mumble out a "Mmmkey~!"

"WHAT?"

The informant then turned and sprinted as though Chuck Norris and all of his desperate rabid fan-girls were chasing him, and well, it was pretty close.

"WHY NOW OF ALL TIMES IS VERGE IN THE ABYSS GATHERING POWER?"

Quickly, Izaya grabbed the thing nearest to him, which happened to be a young brown haired man and proceeded to use him as a human shield.

"Now, Shizu-Chan, you wouldn't ever hit this adorable MAN-SHOTA, would you?"

Shizuo hesitated, vending machine still held above his head.

"...Keisuke, go off and rape Akira somewhere, K?"

The younger brown eyed man paused before smiling as though he just saved 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico and slipped through Izaya's grip. Then Keisuke ran off into the sunset to molest Akira, he was never seen again... The bodygaurd grinned at the jacket clad man like the sadomasochistic pimp you knew he secretly was.

"Now it's ok, Izaya. This won't hurt...much~!

The crimson eyed man's face paled.

"I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME~!"

Hearing the younger man's plea, the ex-bartender busted into song, chunking the vending machine off screen as he did so.

"YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON~!"

Izaya hastily grabbed onto the pizza loving man next to him, not even stopping to wonder how the hell he got there.

"I GOT SOMEBODY~!"

Shizuo continued on with the _slightly_ modified lyrics.

"-TO LEAN ON! FOR WHEN YOU'RE NOT STRONG, HE'LL BE YOUR FRIEND AND HE'LL HELP YOU CARRY ON-_as you get anal raped by a vending machine_~!"

The brunette concealed himself behind Dante, yet again, as the man nomed on his 12th pizza since this fight started.

"I DUN WANNA GET RAPED!"

"NOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOM-"

After hearing the NOMs continue, Izaya immediately snatched the half demon's pizza and threw it into the random Vergel-Abyss that had magically opened up not a foot away them. There was a faint echoing 'Thank you' after the oven baked confection was tossed in.

"CONCENTRATE, DERNNIT!"

The demon slayer desperately reached towards the gaping hole with a complete and utter 'OH NOES' face , as tears pricked his sky blue eyes.

"M-my pizza..."

Just then, overly angsty piano music that would make any stupid hormonal teenager contemplate suicide, started to play.

"Wait, where is this coming from?"

Shizuo then blurted out the very last sentence in this crossover crack fiction.

"IT'S AUSTRIA!"


End file.
